"And when did you last see your father? Was it when they burned the coffin? Put the lid on? When he exhaled his last breath? When he sat up and said something? When he last recognized you? When he last smiled? When did you last see your father? The last time he was healthy, active? The last time he had an argument about something? Those weeks in which we tried to say goodbye were like a series of depletions. Each day I thought 'He can't get less like himself than this.' Yet each day he did. So I've been trying to recall the last time I actually saw him. The last time he was unmistakenly... there. In the fulness of being, I don't know... him."
I finally got around to watching When Did You Last See Your Father? last night, starring Jim Broadbent and Colin Firth. It was decent enough, but the underlying message is what was most important about the film.
The title had caught my attention because for those who know me, they know it's certainly one of those questions that's hard for me to answer. While it may be a simple question to others, to me, my brothers, and probably my mother too, it's a very loaded question. When did I last see my father?
The film was based on the true story of writer Blake Morrison and his troubled relationship with his father. His reflection upon the relationship was sparked by the sudden diagnosis that his father was terminally ill with some type of colon/intestinal cancer. The entire film, we see adult Blake reminiscing, while assisting his mother with taking care of his increasingly ill and bewildered father. We see he's conflicted, and seems to be trying to hide it with an emotionless facade. During all this, flashbacks to Blake's childhood and teenage years are shown. We see Blake's father having romantic (though saying sexual is speculation) relations with another women, and his mother just dealing with it. We see his father as a man who likes to cheat the system, at least a little, in every which way. He's a loud man, while his son is quiet and keeps to himself. We see his father seemingly always putting his son down for wanting to be a writer instead of a doctor. But at the end of it all, after his father finally gives in and succumbs to death, after his mother says her loving goodbye, after he's prepared for his funeral, and after he's been cremated; finally, finally we see the other side. Blake all of a sudden remembers his father in a different light, when he's leaving for university. His father worries, and hangs on longingly, not wanting him to go. He tell his son, he's proud of him, while trying, unsuccessfully, to choke back tears. We see teenaged Blake hug his dad, which turns into adult Blake remembering hugging his elderly dad, and finally, Blake realizes and finally cries out for his father. At the very end of the film, he narrates the above quote, and shows a memory of him installing a chandelier light for his father. His father continually belittles him and tells him he's doing it wrong. But the chandelier was installed correctly, and for a second, his dad was happy. But then onwards once again. And that was the last time he remembered seeing his father.
While it's not completely the same, I do draw some parallels to this film. And I kept on thinking I'd cry during the film. But in fact, my emotional reactions were quite the same as the main character's. Or at least, how Colin chose to portray him. My father, I guess, would be what most people would call an absentee father. I grew up with my two older brothers under the sole care of my mother. Occasionally we'd get a visit or a call from him, but I think if you added up the total amount of time I've actually spent with my father, it wouldn't even add up to a full year. More so my brothers than me, but it seems whatever we do just isn't enough for him. It seems he's never got praise for else, and we can never expect a "well done" from him. Furthermore, just like how Blake's father is portrayed in the film, he's not faithful; he's loud and obnoxious and crude.
But when did I last see my father? Who is my father exactly? Is it the loving dad who would keep waving to us and crane his neck until he couldn't see us anymore whilst walking into the airport terminal? Is it the one where we were scared of when he got angry and really respected him? The ones from before these past ten or so years? Or is it the man we see now, the one we all despise so much. The one that's hurt us all so much and in so many ways. When did he change? Or did he change at all? Was he just masking it before?
So when did I last see my father? The last time I physically saw him was January of this year. It wasn't a great visit. I was a bit cold towards him, but he was also flaunting his crap in our faces, trying to get a reaction from us. Before that? Summer of the previous year in Taiwan, him showing me off to his buddies, and either trying to make me happy, or just showing off how grand he is there. And before that? Not for over three years. But let's rewind further back. The last time I saw him like the way I saw him as a child... that had to be about 11 years ago, when he rushed back to America since my grandmother (mom's side) had just passed. The only memory I have of that is sitting in my 3rd grade class, knowing he was going to be at home when I got back from school. I remember running in from the garage and seeing him in his tweed jacket sitting at the kitchen table, looking at some notes or his phone or something of the sort. I remember running to him and jumping on him, so happy to see him. I think that was the last time I saw my father with unclouded eyes and an open heart.
So now I pose the question to you. When did you last see your father?
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